Dec. 20, 2006 – Originally published by CNC, Inc.

If You Wrote the Truth in that Holiday Letter…

Do you receive holiday letters from friends and family, designed to update you on the family’s activities and interests and generally “keep you in the loop”? I like these letters myself – so few people sit down to write anything personal anymore – but have you ever wondered what would happen if these letters were absolutely truthful, or were written by certain families, like mine? Here is a sample of a holiday letter that you, or someone you know, might be tempted to send after a few glasses of eggnog:

Merry Christmas!

Greetings to everyone this wonderful holiday season! We are hoping this letter finds you doing well – or finds you at all, really. Our new dog had an unfortunate accident on my address book during puppy training – so needless to say, getting our addresses turned challenging. I wanted to look a few of your addresses up on line, but the darned computer hasn’t been working, and it appears that we got gum in the keyboard, so everything we write just looks like “xxxdjjjrooooomblblxxeieio.” So, that’s been frustrating.

Now you know we have the new puppy, and the rest of the pets are status-quo. Actually, our cat Martin ran off a few months ago, and we looked around for him, but never found him. Those unreadable flyers taped everywhere were ours.
The kids are pretty good, although we’ve gotten to know the town police a little more than we would have liked this year, due to “hijinks” by our energetic middle son Teddy – also, he continues to practice my handwriting for forged notes, and is also active in video-gaming. Our oldest is counting on winning a game show to pay off his debts, and has not had his car serviced in 2 ½ years! Our daughter Delilah is well – still trying to sneak out of the house wearing miniskirts and halter tops, so I have the job of pulling her back inside and re-dressing her each morning, which has been challenging. Little Tommy is also doing just fine; he is very proud to be named “best apologizer” by his school principal! They all seem to have a love affair with the bathroom; Bob and I have not gotten a good look in there in months, but are constantly throwing toilet paper in to a stranded child. They grow so fast, don’t they?

Bob continues to slump to work each day, and has developed an extraordinary interest in “who is stealing all my socks?” Also, he has really mastered the sump pump after last spring’s floods, and has thought up many new creative names for the Patriots.

We didn’t have any extra money for vacations this year, so we spent our time creatively – Little Tommy practiced jumping off the garage roof, and I practiced filling out emergency room forms! We had a lot of staring contests this past summer, and I moved the furniture around every other day and went through a confusing “seashell lamp” phase all over the house. We did take day trips to area beaches, where we complained about the entrance fee for five hours, ate sandy sandwiches, and dragged home. I may have gotten the worst sunburn ever this year! How time flies.

As for me, friends, I am getting along swimmingly – although early menopause has brought with it crying jags and the questioning of every decision I have ever made starting at age 12. I regularly think that the family is ganging up on me, my nails and hair seemed to have stopped growing completely, and I have developed an interest in sweaters I never would have considered a few years ago that have snowmen and trees appliquéd in felt all over them. Life is a parade, isn’t it, folks!!??

Most importantly, our family continues to love each other despite our deficits, flaws, and mess-ups, and we continue to try to remember that we are so lucky, to come home each night to each other, no matter what is going on in each of our lives. And we continue to celebrate Jesus’ birthday – born to teach, reach, understand, support, and forgive. Custom-made for all mankind.

So, bless you all this holiday season, and God bless us, everyone!